[miles]

Dysfunctional Section of Hallmark Cards

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...

(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.


2. I must admit, you have brought religion into my life...

(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until you moved in.


3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....

(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.


4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....

(Inside card) - Will you please take the knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.


5. Someday I hope to marry...

(Inside card) - Someone better than you.


6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....

(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!


7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me..

(Inside card) - Now that we've broken up, I think it's time that you kept your promise.


8. We've been friends for a very long time..

(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?


9. I'm so miserable without you...

(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.


10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...

(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?


11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...

(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.


12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...

(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.


13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia)


14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...

(Inside card) - What was I thinking?