Jokes Thread!!!

[Freediver81]

Originally Posted by Groupermadness

There's a blonde who wants to make money, so she goes to the rich houses. she knocks on a door and says, can i help you with any work in the House? he says yes and says she could paint his porch. he said he would pay her fiffty bucks so she gets straight to work. an hour later she Knocks to let him know she is Finished and says by the way, it was a ferrrari, not a porche!!!!

Oh, and Freediver, if you already posted "this" joke..................I DON'T CARE.

Actually I haven't posted it before!

[Freediver81]

Rope trick

As we age, our priorities change.

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went to the pub. .

[Epsilon]

Discussion between a child and a mother.

-Mom, I want to play some more with grandmother!

-I'm not going to open the coffin again.

[jimdoe2you]

These are prime examples of a rare and special breed of Texas birdog.

Enjoy.

.

[bdurrett]

Originally Posted by jimdoe2you

These are prime examples of a rare and special breed of Texas birdog.

Enjoy.

.

Hey! I know that breed! That is the rare and expensive (but ultimately VERY stupid) buck-toothed, lop-earred, Redback, right? From what I heard, they are the first to get out to the bird but they have a habit of running out while the hunter is still shooting so not many make it past the first season....

[jimdoe2you]

...................and that's why this breed is so expensive! I heard that sinkweight spent $10,000 last year just on new dogs alone!

[miles]

One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that
her friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all
about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK.. the Mummy and Daddy take off
All of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingy sort of stands up, and
then Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and
that's how you get babies."

Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said,

"Oh,Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies......... That's
how you get jewellery."

[greendiver]

, Miles.....where do you get the time.....

[Freediver81]

Wine

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says,

“I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”



"Praise the lord," says a blonde nun at the back. “I am so tired of chardonnay."

[Freediver81]

An Irish priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his
church.
He
looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his
boat.
The
fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join
him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the
priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says "No".
He baits the hook for the priest and says, "Give it a shot
father.".
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get
it into the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says
"Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!"
The priest says, "Uh, please, the Lord is watching would you
please mind your language?"
"I'm sorry father," says the fisherman, thinking quickly, "but that's
what this fish is called - a fucker!"

"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know," the priest replies.
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and
spots the bishop.
"Look at this big fucker Bishop".

Shocked, the bishop says, "Please, mind your language; this is a
house of God."

"No, you don't understand," explains the priest, "that's what this fish
is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"

"Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it
for dinner!" exclaims the bishop.

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior.

"Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My lord, what language!" she says.

"No, Sister, he explains "that's what the fish is called - a
fucker!
Father caught the fucker, I cleaned the fucker, and we'd like
you to cook the fucker."

Relieved, Mother Superior says, "Sure. I'll cook that fucker
tonight."

That night, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of
them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. "I
caught the fucker!" the priest cries proudly."

"And I cleaned the fucker!"cries the bishop.

"And I cooked the fucker!" finished the Mother Superior.

There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a
minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat,
puts his feet up on the table, lights up a fag, pours himself a large
whisky and says,"You know what? You cunts are alright."

[Freediver81]

MAINTAINING A DISTANCE OF 5 PACES BEHIND!!!



Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.







She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.



Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"



The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation, said "Land mines."



MORAL OF THE STORY:



BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN!!

[Lachlan]

Originally Posted by miles

One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that
her friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all
about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK.. the Mummy and Daddy take off
All of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingy sort of stands up, and
then Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and
that's how you get babies."

Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said,

"Oh,Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies......... That's
how you get jewellery."

Hahaha Good one Miles!!

[Freediver81]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have
a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with
him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second
time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you
doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to
get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone
and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn
hole."

[Donna]

Think I've just wrecked my keyboard with the coffee I just spat all over it

Thank you for brightening my day......

Donna

[Freediver81]

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."