Jokes Thread!!!

[Freediver81]

Number One Idiot of 2006


I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology
at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset
because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured
her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring
her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better
bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2006


Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided
to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in
getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a
float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards
them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency
locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no
longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2006


A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into
the Branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors
that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat
defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes
later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it
anyway.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2006


A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap
that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of
payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days
later, he received a letter from the police that contained another
picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Smartass... but you still get a sign


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot of 2006


A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the
cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind
the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as
well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are
over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it
to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took
his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The
clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she
put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his
loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and
address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the
robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2006


A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2006


Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store
window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and
heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back
knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, here's your sign

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)

[Freediver81]

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a
university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then
allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained
the word. The word they were given was */' TIMBUKTU '/*

First to recite his poem was the university graduate.

He stepped to the microphone and said:

*/Slowly across the desert sand,/*
*/Trekked a lonely caravan/*
*/Men on camels two by two/*
*/Destination - Timbuktu. /*
*//*
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, They
thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

*/Me and Tim a huntin' went/*
*/Met three whores in a pop up tent/*
*/They were three, and we was two/*
*/So I bucked one, and timbuktu ./*
*//*
The aboriginal won.

[Freediver81]

Three Old Guys......







"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.



"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."




"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more.



You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"




"Actually," said the 80-year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."




"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.




"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."




"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"



"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."




Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at


6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"




"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[deep thinker]

UNDER WATER JOKE FOR THE WEEK...







Glug glug glug glug glug. Gloog gloog gloog blug glug. Glug Glug glug

[josedesucre]

The Middle Wife


The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."
"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!

[Dan Man]

Whats the difference between a car tyre and a pile of 365 used condoms?

Ones a good year....ones a GREAT year!

[deep thinker]

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

This one is for everyone who...

a) had kids

b) has kids

c) is going to have kids

d) knows a kid

e) was a kid

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,
"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

[romek]

An Asian man exchanges money from an American teller, the next day the Asian returns and exchanges the same amount as before he notices that this time however he got less in exchange than the previous day and asks the American why he got more yesterday.

The American smile and replies fluctuations.

The Asian man in shock after a few seconds replies “Fluc u American’s” too!

[podge]

Three blondes on an island find an old lamp and rub it. A genie appears and grants them each one wish.
The first says she wants to be smarter. Poof! Her wish is granted and she becomes a brunette and swims away.
The second says she wants to be smarter than the first. Poof! Her wish is granted and she becomes a redhead, builds a boat from timber on the island and sails away.
The third wants to be smarter than the others. Poof! Her wish is granted, she becomes a man and walks over the bridge to the mainland.


Sorry ladies but it made me smile.

[Freediver81]

Wife from hell!

> A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked
> you at 100 km per hour, sir."
>
> The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
> your radar gun needs calibrating."
>
> Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
> you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
>
> As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
> and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
>
> The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
> detector went off when it did."
>
> As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
> unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
> clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
>
> The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
> seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $135 fine."
>
> The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it
> off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
> pocket."
>
> The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
> seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
>
> And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
> to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
>
> The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
> talk to you this way, Madam?"
>
> "Only when he's been drinking."

[Pa Teeny]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this; with the "Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie . The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

--------------------

[Freediver81]

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER!


Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on

the radio the other day

and you'll love his reply to the lady who

interviewed him concerning

guns and children. Regardless of how you feel

about gun laws you gotta love

this!!!! This is one of the best comeback

lines

of all time. It is a portion of National Public

Radio (NPR) interview between a female

broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald

who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop

visiting his military installation.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what

things are you going to

teach these young boys when they visit your base?


GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them

climbing, canoeing, archery,

and shooting.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit

irresponsible, isn't it?


GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be

properly supervised on the rifle

range.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is

a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching

children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be

teaching them proper rifle

discipline before they even touch a firearm.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to

become violent killers.


GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to

be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?


The radio went silent and the interview ended.


You gotta love the Marines!

[Bill]

IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

SYMPTOM CAUSE CORRECTIVE ACTION

Feet cold and wet
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Feet warm and wet
Improper Bladder Control
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

Beer unusually pale and tasteless
a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite
Get someone to buy you another beer

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to the bar

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
You have fallen forward
See above

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face

Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror

Floor Blurred
You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Get someone to buy you another beer

Floor moving
You are being carried out
Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Room seems unusually dark
Bar has closed
Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

Everyone looks up to you and smiles
You are dancing on the table
Fall on someone cushy-looking

Beer is crystal-clear (my fav)
It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
Punch him

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
You have been in a fight
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
You've wandered into the wrong party
See if they have free beer

Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and a steel door. Toilet conveniently located next to your bunk
You're in jail
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow.

Your singing sounds distorted
The beer is too weak
Have more beer until your voice improves

Don't remember the words to the song
Beer is just right
Play air guitar

Have fun on St. Patricks Day
Bill

[Freediver81]

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While
rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed the lamp vigorously And a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out,
"Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and
Immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher.

The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness
as the two men considered their circumstances.

Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now
we're going to have to piss in the boat."