Jokes Thread!!!

[DeepThought]

Originally not a Michael Jackson joke but the conversion works well enough:

Michael Jackson walks hand in hand with a 5 y/o boy into a dark forest.
Boy:"This is scarry..."
M.J:"Look who's talking, I have to walk all this way back on my own!"


And the Bubbles jumps off the tree with a hockey mask!

[sinkweight]

I like the "bubbles finale". ha ha ha

I forgot which comic told this joke, but it's pretty good...sick but good.

Johnny Cochran (lawyer to the guilty stars) died a while back, and both Michael Jackson and O.J. Simpson showed up for the funeral. During one of the eulogies, Michael nudges O.J. with his elbow and whispers, "How should I get stains out of a glove?"

[roy_nexus_6]

I could never understand the parents, who left their kids with a guy who walks around wearing only one glove and sings "Just Beat It".

[sinkweight]

That's because Michael told their parents that he only sleeps with twenty eight year olds. They didn't know he meant 8 in his bed and the other 20 in the guest bedroom.

[DeepThought]

Since we had sank low enough (10x sinky. ):
http://www.news24.com/News24/World/N...753188,00.html

I think this guy got it wrong as to why the playboy bunnies are named that way...
Though if it was in the US he might have had a chance suing playboy.

(him being a successful buisnessman reminds me of 'American psycho'.)

[sinkweight]

Holee CRAP.

I'd be less disturbed if the guy were stranded in the Outback for 20 years.

And what's the deal with that one guinea pig? Was he threatening to tell?

Now I know why testing lipstick and eyeliner on rabbits can be harmful to their health.

[Lachlan]

My favourite!

A Man really needs to pee and goes into the toilets of the local pub. When he walks in he sees another man with no arms standing there. The disabled man asks him if he could unzip his shorts as it is a bit hard for him. The man realizing the situation and feeling sorry for him agrees. He casually unzips the limbless mans pants only to be confronted by really odd looking genetals. His penis is a weird greenish colour and covered in suspicious lumps. After the man has relieved himself and is about to leave the disabled man asks if he could tuck it in and zip him back up. The man once again agrees and then tactfully asks what is wrong with it. The disabled man pulls his arms out of his shirt and says “I Don’t Know That’s Why I Don’t Touch It”!!



Catchya, Lachlan

[Groupermadness]

Hope this one is not too rude.

At the finals of the National Poetry Competition the two finalist were an unlikely pair. Finalist number one was a Harvard educated professor of literature and the winner of several previous competitions. Finalist number two was a young Marine Lcpl. from the hills of West Virginia who needed help filling out the entry form.

The final round consisted of each competitor being given the same word and having thirty seconds to complete a verse, using the word.

The Professor went first. The Judge said, " The final word this year is 'Timbuktu'" The Prof. started thinking. Ten seconds went by. Twenty seconds. The crowd became nervous. After twenty eight seconds the Prof. began,

"Across the hot Sahara sand,

Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two,

Destination- Timbuktu."

The crowd went wild, there was no way that the Hillbilly Marine would ever top that.

The Lcpl. was brought on stage. The judge gave the word, "Timbuktu."

The young Lcpl. looked to the sky, he thought for 10-15 seconds, stepped up to the microphone, cleared his throat, and began,

"Tim 'en me, a-huntin went,

Met three girls in a pop-up-tent,

They was three and we was two,

So, I bucked one and Tim Buck Two!"

[Groupermadness]

A conservative couple were in a art gallery looking at a 2x2 meter photo of 3 naked black men sat on a park bench and the man on the right had a pink Penis, because they looked very confused the curator of the gallery went to the couple and started to explain what the interpretation of the photo meant, "it is depicting either the oppresion of the black man in modern day society. etc etc etc" and after about 1/2 an hour the curator left them to their thoughts, a scotsman walking past saw the confusion and asked if he could help, "what can you tell us that the curator of the gallery couldnt"said the woman "what do you know", "well i took the picture" said the scotsman, it has nothing to do with oppression of black men or politics it is simply a picture of 3 naked coalminers and the one on the right went home for lunch. ???

[sinkweight]

At a park, there were two benches that faced eachother near the fountain. Sitting on one of the benches was an elderly man, jaw open in disbelief as he watched a little boy, sitting on the opposite bench, stuffing his face with candy, confections, and cola.

Not seeing his parents anywhere around, the old man though that he might set the little boy straight. He leaned forward and pointed to the empty wrappers at the boy's feet with his cane and said, "You know, you're going to have horrible health problems if you keep on eating like that."

The little boy pulled a Snickers bar away from his face, and with a mouthful of chocolate, he replied, "My grandfather is older than you, and he's alright."

The old man's brow wrinkled with puzzlement. "Does he eat as much junk-food as you?"

"No." The kid said, glaring, "My grandfather knows when to shut the #*&% UP!"

[DeepThought]

Originally Posted by Sinky Winky:

At a park, there were two benches that faced eachother near the fountain. Sitting on one of the benches was an elderly man, jaw open in disbelief as he watched a little boy, sitting on the opposite bench, stuffing his face with candy, confections, and cola.

Not seeing his parents anywhere around, the old man though that he might set the little boy straight. He leaned forward and pointed to the empty wrappers at the boy's feet with his cane and said, "You know, you're going to lose all your teeth if you keep on eating like that."

The little boy pulled a Snickers bar away from his face, and with a mouthful of chocolate, he replied, "My grandfather is older than you, and he still has all of his teeth."

The old man's brow wrinkled with puzzlement. "Does he eat as much junk-food as you?"

"No." The kid said, glaring, "My grandfather knows when to shut the #*&% UP!"

Fixed.
And then a pod of ninjas jumped of the trees and shurikenned the old fart!
Well, the message was to short to be posted without this addition...

[crusty]

A little OLD lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office.

You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."


Crusty

[Groupermadness]

A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.

He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by Groupermadness

Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

good one!!

[naiad]

On the wall of one of the pools where I train:

'Please alert the lifeguard if you notice a release of bodily fluids in the pool'

Seriously!