Jokes Thread!!!

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by naiad

On the wall of one of the pools where I train:

'Please alert the lifeguard if you notice a release of bodily fluids in the pool'

Seriously!

UGH!!!

[Groupermadness]

A sign at a golf club(for real)

ANY PERSONS (EXCEPT PLAYERS)
CAUGHT COLLECTING GOLF BALLS
ON THIS COURSE WILL BE
PROSECUTED AND HAVE THEIR
BALLS REMOVED

[sinkweight]

I don't usually tell blonde jokes, but here goes...

A good-lookin' blonde lady is interviewing for a desk job at a police station. Enamored with the prospect of an attractive coworker, the cheif condescendingly asked her several questions to make the frivalous interview seem legitimate.

"What's two plus two?"

"Four," said the blonde.

"Uh-huh. Then, what's one hundred divided by 10?" The cheif asked smilingly.

"Ten?" she replied nervously.

"Good. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" the chief questioned.

"Um....Ummmm.....I don't know." the blonde said worriedly.

"That's alright," the chief reassured, "Why don't you try and find out, and come back to start work tomorrow."

Excited with her successful interview, she drove home with the parking brake on (nothing to do with joke, just like adding that). She called her friend to tell her the good news.

"Yeah," she squealed over the phone, "He hired me after the I.Q. test, and now I'm already hard at work investigating a murder case!"

[crusty]

More Blond Stuff

SHE WAS SOOOO = BLOND..............

* She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She tripped over the cordless phone.
* She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her = mind.
* She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK
* She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put Sagittarius
* If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
* Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months
to figure out she could use it at night.
* What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
* Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice? Because it said "concentrate"
* Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to retrain.
* What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.
* Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.
* What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4-way stop
* What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.
* What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.
* Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This goes in front"

Crusty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[crusty]

Ducks!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in
heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try
their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping
on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


Crusty

[Alison]

What is ET short for?






Because he only has little legs!

[crusty]

What did the Barman say when a Horse ordered a Drink




Why the Long Face



Crusty

[Groupermadness]

Madonna's Jigsaw Puzzle

The Blond of all Blondes.Madonna.

One day, Madonna phoned her best friend and said with an upset voice, "I've been trying to get this jigsaw puzzle together, but I just don't know where to start! "

"What kind of puzzle is it?", asked her friend. "Oh, I don't know!", Madonna said, "It has a rooster on the box and there are so many pieces. Can't you come over and help me to get started, please?"

Madonna being Madonna, the friend hurries over. "Where is this puzzle", she asks.

"On the table", Madonna replies.

With a surprised look on her face, the friend turns around and says, "Funny, just put the corn flakes back in the box"

[Groupermadness]

One of those good nights out

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
the night.
Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy".
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then".
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face."Shoite,Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside, takes a deep
breath of fresh air,
feels much better, and takes a step out onto the pavement.
He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm ' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, crawls to the door and
collapses inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way". But with gritted
teeth he hauls himself up and stands at his bedroom door.
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face again.
He says "That's it, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup
of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night?"
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called...... You left your wheelchair at the pub"

[sinkweight]

Well apart from the wheelchair, I'd say that's about a 5/7ths a week's routine for me.

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by crusty

More Blond Stuff

SHE WAS SOOOO = BLOND..............--

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[DeepThought]

Sinky, I think you should cut a little on the absinth if you wake up in the mornings thinking Prudence is your wife and the black thing she leaves on your bed is coffee...

How do you call a blond that dyes her her brown?
-Artificial intelligence.

What's a blond's favorite wine?
-"Daaaadddyy!! I wanna go to Miiaaammmiii!!!

[land shark]

You know the other nite I came out of the bar and some drunk stepped right on my hands

[sinkweight]

Here's one more for the growling mentor (that means you, Sands) and the flight-attendant-become-mentor (that's right, Alison)

A blonde is on a 747, heading from the UAE to Hawaii. On their final leg of the flight, the outer port engine flares out. The plane lumbers slightly to the left, and people panic. After quickly regaining controls, the captain updates the passengers...

"This is your captain. Don't worry folks, we had a slight problem with the outer engine, and decided to shut it down for safety reasons. Unfortunately, we're going to be about 30 or so minutes late to Hawaii."

The blonde moans with greif along with the rest on board, angry from the impending delay, no longer worried about the plane's malfunction.

Not three minutes later, the outer starboard engine shuts down, and the plane's reaction is a bit more severe. The plane's inner engines roar into action to take the burden of the damaged engines. This time, the passengers are anxiously grabbing their armrests with frozen faces. The blonde, unphased, casually thumbs through a gossip magazine as the captain tries to reassure the frightened payload....

"Folks, I know you're all on high alert back there, but we've got to shut the right engine off as to not over-stress the control surfaces. We're hard at work looking for the problem. Rest at ease, it's going to be about an hour delay at this point."

The entire cabin releases a heavy sigh...except for the blonde, who who growls with her rolled back with disgust as she pops her gum with her teeth. The plane levels out, and the attendants tend to the more stressed passengers.

The inner port engine whines to a halt before people could start relaxing again, and the plane starts to level, then slowly descend. Over the rising histeria throughout the fuselage, the attendants are steady themselves near the bulkhead walls as they quickly refresh the passengers with safety information. The captain makes his announcement....

"Folks, please stay calm. We do now have a serious situation on our hands. I've contacted Hawaii of the problem. We're beyond the turn-back point, so the best we can do is hobble the rest of the way on the only engine we have left. We have a runway ready for us. Do what you can to keep your mind off things. Please call your attendant for emergency reasons only. At this point our plane is going to be delayed for two and a half hours."

Cries of horror and disbelief rise over the whines and creaks of the faltering aircraft. Things go from bad to worse as the last engine seizes with a jolt. Even the auxiliary power unit can't be heard. The plane starts to nose in. The oxygen masks drop from the storage bins. And before the mass hysteria kicks in, the blonde turns to the passenger next to her and says, "That was the last engine? Do you realize what this means?!....At this rate, we're going to be up here FOREVER!"

[miles]

Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations:

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

#1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

#2: This is a lighthouse. Your call.