Jokes Thread!!!

[blaiz]

Thats the funniest joke Ive heard in a while!

[apneaboy]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smellsnice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

"The woman replies,"It's Keith, the dwarf."

[island_sands]

Originally Posted by apneaboy

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smellsnice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

"The woman replies,"It's Keith, the dwarf."

[devondave]

An American tourist goes on a pub crawl around London , after several pints and a few pies he really , really needs a crap . After rushing about looking for a toilet and not finding one , he finally comes across a policeman and quickly explains his plight . The policeman thinks for a moment , then says " come with me Sir " , he leads the man down a nearby alley to a pair of large ornate gates " there you are sir anywhere in here will be fine " . The tourist rushes in to find an immaculately manicured lawn and garden , after doing what was necessary he returned to the waiting policeman , " gee thanks a lot I guess thats called British hospitality " . " No Sir replies the policeman , thats called the French Embassy " .

[Freediver81]

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on TV & Radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside him. "

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - " Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, " So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters - "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

[island_sands]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.

We decided to grab a bite to eat at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, " What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad would have a good response, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke.

And, in classic style, he did not bat an eye when he said:

"Got drunk once and made out with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.

[Freediver81]

Subject: Fw: Thought for the day

This is a no brainer!!

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when
you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could
only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a
job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to
die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old
friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect
chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your
perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to
the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'


Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER....,

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her
misery, shag the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive
off with the old friend for a few drinks.

I just love happy endings!

[SanderP]

wtf

[Donna]

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the
course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome
Peter's flatmate, Simon was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,and
this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate
than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates'.

About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you
don't suppose she took it do you?' 'Well I doubt it, but I'lle-mail
her just to be sure'said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M
NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT
REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR
DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which
read:

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING
THAT YOU DO NOT' SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE
WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY
NOW.

LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day:-
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[Whopperhead]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[blaiz]

DWI

An old guy’s car collides with a young guy’s car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.

The old guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days."

"Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man’s crazy.

"And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune."

Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren’t you having any?" asks the young guy.

"No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I’ll wait for the police."

[Donna]

The Nicobate Patch

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

[blaiz]

Originally Posted by Donna

The Nicobate Patch

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

Thats just wrong..

[apneaboy]

How apt, your posts just went to 666 Donna. lol.

[island_sands]

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.

'Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'