Jokes Thread!!!

[miles]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office and whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God".

With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas.

Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Christmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God, can you please help me?"

The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked. The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96.

Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash onto the old lady and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the good deed that they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. We can't stop talking about it and our Vicar is beside himself with joy. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office."There was a man who worked for the Post Office and whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God".

With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas.

Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Christmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God, can you please help me?"

The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked. The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96.

Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash onto the old lady and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the good deed that they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. We can't stop talking about it and our Vicar is beside himself with joy. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office."

[miles]

Philosophy:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock fuel station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime artist, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

29. How is it possible to have a civil war?

31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

32. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

35. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

38. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

39. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

[miles]

Husband Super Store

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."

[miles]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

"Harry, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Harry: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: Fire truck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[miles]

Hiroshima '45,



Nagasaki '45,




Chernobil '86,



Windows '95.......

[mishu1984]

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Harry was an innocent kid i must say that

[Poida]

Don't stop now Miles, you'r on a roll.

[miles]

ROMANCE & MATHEMATICS


Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



OFFICE ARITHMETIC



Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH



A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS



A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS



To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



LONGEVITY



Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE



A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE



A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED



Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next" They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[miles]

New Viruses!

Make sure your anti-virus program is up to date to prevent you from getting any of the following.



The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The John Kerry Virus - causes the floppy to flip flop on it's stored memory.

The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy... then discards it through Windows

[miles]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. "

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery

[miles]

A man staggers into hospital accident and emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."


"What did you do?" asks the doctor. "


"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that."

[miles]

Rejection

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and its window was wound down.

I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car," said the driver.

"No way, get stuffed!!" replied the boy.

"How about a bag of lollies and $10?" the driver asked.

"I said no way!" replied the irritated youngster.

What about a bag of juicy lollies and $50, eh?" quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No! I'm not getting in the frickin' car!" answered the boy.

"Okay, okay. I know what you want. I'll give you $100 and bag of lollies," the driver offered.

"No!" screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car?" asked the driver in a long sigh.

The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the bloody Volvo, you live with it!"

[miles]

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down -down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time.

Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."....................................... ........... ........

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff!!!!!!!!!!!!

[miles]

A cowboy was tending his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW 7 Series advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I
tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will
you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the
digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing
facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of
complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150- page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"
"You're a consultant." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even

though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,

to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...


Now give me back my dog."